Friday, September 17, 2004

Surgery Date

The next adventure on my healing journey is scheduled for September 24th, my surgery at Providence Hospital. The surgeon who I saw at the beginning of this journey has left private practice. I now have a new surgeon, Dr Kelvin Yu. Dr Yu is quite experienced with IBC and has given me a new prospective on surgery. He feels that IBC can only be cured with chemo and the surgery is to see if more chemo is required as well as being preventative. This is very different than my previous understanding.

The combined psychic stresses of the difficult period following chemo and the impending surgery created the perfect environment for an existential crisis. All my life I have been comforted by the very real presence of the Divine but in the days after chemo I had doubt. Laying in bed a movie which could be titled “You live you die – Where’s the meaning?” played in my head. The doubt was a gift which when unwrapped exposed many cherished but false assumptions neatly nestled in the arms of my ego. Taking this gift of ignorance and offering it up to the Divine has been very fruitful. My teachers have helped me to see that the continued practice of surrender and service to my healing will guide me through this dark tunnel.

I read an article about a women who was dedicating her cancer treatment to people and groups who are making a difference in the world (see website http://www.witnessingproject.org/treatded.html) which inspired me to think about to whom or what would I “dedicate” my surgery. This has been an interesting exercise that will end in a dedication before the surgery but probably not to a person or group but rather to either the Divine or an aspect of my healing. I will continue the practice of dedicating when I do the radiation. Any suggests of person or groups?