Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Surgery

Thank you so much everyone for giving me loving support following my surgery and throughout my recovery, emotionally as well as physically. I feel quite well on both levels now. I still have moments of deep sadness/grief and anger but for the most part I am comfortable with my new body. For the past three weeks I have watched equanimity grow within me. It was gained daily with mediation and accepting was “is”. My body is what it is, I can choose to accept and love it or I can choose to suffer. I am lazy. I happily choose to accept reality.

The cancer has again given me the gift of experiencing my practice “work”. It “works” to sit mindfully watching painful emotions arise, peak and fall away with loving but detached observation. This discipline does create equanimity.

I am moving forward with my treatment plan. Radiation treatment begins on Monday and will continue Monday through Friday for six weeks.

My fear of radiation required a different practice, one from my Wiccan tradition, of naming something to “own” it’s power. Gently probing the fear I discovered images of radiation sickness from the grainy black and white news-reel documentaries of my elementary days as a “duck and cover” kid in the 1950’s. I am struck by the power of this propaganda even forty years later! I am thankful for the opportunity to cleanse myself of these deep-seated nuclear holocaust fears.

The radiation that is being used is photons (x-rays) and electrons. I am envisioning these particles as a healing wand of light that touch each cancer cell releasing it to return to creator while my healthy cells bathe in the radiance unaffected.