Thursday, July 28, 2005

Trust? You're kidding right?

Good Bad or neither?
Does trusting need an answer?
Thy will be done – yes..

All my life I have only truly desired one thing – to be free from suffering. This is the core longing of sentient beings. All the religions claim they can fulfill this yearning. They offer many different practices to achieve this goal but in my studies the vehicle under laying all the practices is radical trust, surrendering to or taking refuge in a power greater than your self.

Trust is difficult under the best of circumstances requiring great effort and faith. As a childhood abuse survivor my trust was betrayed early and often setting in motion an avalanche of coping mechanisms and experiences that buried the tender spark of trust within me. After thirty years of therapy and spiritual practices I can again imagine trusting.

Last year what looked and felt like an enormous betrayal by my own body arrived in the form of breast cancer. Why now when I am ready to trust? The answers became clear as I walked into the world of cancer treatment. The more I took refuge in my spiritual practices the smoother the roller coaster ride became for me.

Am I ready to trust that there is a power greater than myself who is benevolent? Maybe.